Humour on the ground and in the air

Some enjoyable conversations sent in by Geeta Pethia.

Tower: “Delta 351, you have traffic at 10  o’clock, 6 miles!”
Delta 351: “Give us another hint! We have digital  watches!” 


Tower: “TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45  Degrees.”
TWA  2341: “Center, we are  at 35,000 feet.. How much noise can we make up here?”
Tower: “Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a  727?”


From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long  takeoff queue: “I’m  f…ing bored!”

Ground Traffic  Control: “Last  aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!”
Unknown  aircraft: “I said I  was f…ing bored, not f…ing stupid!”


O’Hare Approach Control to a 747: “United 329 heavy, your traffic is a  Fokker, one o’clock, three miles, Eastbound.”
United 329: “Approach, I’ve always wanted to say  this…I’ve got the little Fokker in sight..”
A student became lost during a  solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar,  ATC asked,

“What was  your last known position?”
Student: “When I was number one for  takeoff.” 


A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an  exceedingly long roll out after touching down.  San  JoseTower Noted:
“American 751, make a  hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not  able, take the   Guadeloupe  exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and  return to the airport.”


A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance  in   Munich  , overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in  German): “Ground, what  is our start clearance time?”
Ground (in  English): “If you want  an answer you must speak in English.”
Lufthansa (in  English):

“I am a  German, flying a German airplane, in  Germany  . Why must I speak  English?”
Unknown voice from another plane  (in a beautiful British accent): “Because you lost the bloody war!”


Tower: “Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact  Departure on frequency 124.7”
Eastern  702: “Tower, Eastern  702 switching to Departure. By the way,after we lifted off we saw some kind of  dead animal on the far end of the runway.”
Tower: “Contin ental 635, cleared for takeoff behind  Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report  from Eastern 702?”
Continental 635:Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and  yes, we copied Eastern… we’ve already notified our  caterers.”


One day the pilot of  a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while  a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back  past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the  radio and said,“What  a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?”
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go  by, came back with a real zinger: “I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and  I’ll have enough parts for another one.”


The German air controllers at   Frankfurt    Airport   are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one’s  gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them.  So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following  exchange between   Frankfurt  ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign  Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: Frankfurt  , Speedbird 206! clear of  active runway.”
Ground: “Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven.”
The BA 747 pulled onto the main  taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: “Speedbird, do you not know where you are  going?”
Speedbird  206: “Stand by,  Ground, I’m looking up our gate location now.”
Ground (with quite arrogant  impatience): “Speedbird 206, have you not been to  Frankfurt   before?”
Speedbird 206  (coolly): “Yes, twice  in 1944, but it was dark, — And I didn’t land.”


While taxiing at   London  ‘s Airport, the crew  of a   US  Air flight departing for  Ft.  Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727..
An irate female ground  controller lashed out at the   US  Air crew, screaming: “US Air 2771, where the hell are you  going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on  Delta! Stop right there. I know it’s difficult for you to tell the difference  between C and D, but get it right!”
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting  hysterically: “God!  Now you’ve screwed everything up! It’ll take forever to sort this out! Yo u  stay right there and don’t move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive  taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I  tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that,  US  Air  2771?”
“Yes,  ma’am,”
the humbled crew  responded.
Naturally, the ground control  communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US  Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her  current state of mind.

Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was  definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and  keyed his microphone, asking: “Wasn’t I married to you  once?”

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5 Responses to Humour on the ground and in the air

  1. Air Mshl Nana Menon sent in a quick response to me. I’m passing it on: –

    I did not fly the Marut, but have heard stories about India’s first indigenous fighter.

    You have undeservingly elevated me to the status of ‘resident poet’, so let me make an attempt. What really happened when all 4 cannons of the Marut were fired will be known to you. Mine is hearsay knowledge.

    The air-to-ground range was Sidhwan Khas
    Where a Marut fired all 4 guns in one pass
    The u/c jumped out of its bay,
    The shocked canopy flew away,
    Though some say this never occurred, its just bakwaas.

    • Dara says:

      Hi Nana,

      Thank you and hoping to see more of you here.

      Nana wrote a limerick
      He also got some stick.
      You cant blaspheme in Marut land
      And expect to be given a helping hand
      Marutfans think a gnat is but a tick and also slick

      😉

      Best wishes and regards,

      Dara

  2. Massaging Marutfans’ Morose Mood

    It seems Marutfans need some light stuff to lift their spirits (but not the fluid type). After being involved in a number of Yahoo Groups as the launcher, owner or moderator, I have become a favourite target for jokes and forwards. But fortunately Marutfans had not got to follow the trend so far. All the jokes now posted in the Blog have been around for years. In any case, new relevant ones are rather hard to find.

    While celebrating the Golden Anniversary of the first flight of the Gnat in India (January 1958), we had an open website. Click here on http://gnat50years.in/ to visit it. Once you see the site, please look down the vertical column on the right edge. Select Limericks . . . etc. and decide if you are interested in their creation or just reading them. The Category has some pretty nifty items in it. Eventually, it did seem that we had a good though rather short time with them. The die was cast by our eminent resident poet, Air Mshl Narayan (Nana) Menon. He has a remarkable facility with Urdu Poetry. His literary efforts encouraged others to join the fun. Fortunately the GIGO syndrome was not detected. All limericks were created by the Gnat People and duly appeared on the site. This was a very pleasant interlude, as the Gnat was not only the Sabre Killer but also a Pilot Killer, far too often.

    In January 1976, I was the Director of Flight Safety at Air Hq. I had looked at cumulative flying hours of each fighter type for many years and plotted their losses in Cat E (Cat 1) accidents against them. A steep slope meant poor safety and the lower slope meant the aircraft was safer. Similar plots were made for fatalities of aircrew. Maybe you can guess the answer for the era of piston engine and jet fighters. The steepest slope was the Gnat’s and the best slope belonged to the Marut.

    I have mentioned the safety and the limericks in one breath for a good reason. With the dedication and love being displayed by Marutfans, surely some excellent limericks can be created and added to the Blog. Marut was the all-time safest aircraft in our fighter inventory. I am not sure but perhaps the Mirage 2000 might come close to it or maybe even surpass it. But then technological advances must improve safety along with capability, or else they would be rather poor science. The Marut is surely a deserving aircraft for poetic accolade.

    The limericks would be a treasure trove for all of us. In school (1942-43) I had Palgrave’s Golden Treasury of the Best Songs and Lyrical Poems in the English Language, first published in 1861. But we probably had the 1922 edition. It would be lovely to see a Marutfans’ Golden Treasury of Limericks, 2011, Electronic Edition.

    I am not against humour being disseminated electronically, provided its recipients have the option to read or ignore it. Forwarded jokes, pictures, other items picked up from somewhere are my pet peeves. Most of us learn very quickly how to find and extract exactly what we want from the Internet. Other people’s choices received by email about such topics soon become an invasion, best avoided. All the same, if Dara wishes, I can send him a few aviation related jokes, hopefully not tired ones doing the rounds over the years. He can then decide whether or not to add some of them to the Blog.

    These not so well written rules on how to write limericks were picked up from the Internet: –

    Limerick Writing Tips

    1. It’s a five line poem.
    2. Establish the rhythm.
    3. Lines 1, 2, & 5 share rhythm and rhyme patterns.
    4. Lines 3 & 4 share rhythm and rhyme patterns.
    5. Think of limerick structure like a joke.
    6. Establish a main character.
    7. Put the character in a situation.
    8. Run the situation out of control.
    9. Resolve with a punchline.

    You may not be able to or even need to follow these strictly. After all, these limericks are meant for ourselves and anything goes, except obscenity. However, I did find that the all-invasive Google had found Gnat limericks and displayed their location as the result of a search. The same will surely happen to Marut limericks, so please be careful.

    Please see a couple of sample limericks below. Despite my dislike of receiving such items by email the first one is not my work. It is forwarded here to show you how easy writing a limerick can be. But I am guilty of the quickly thought up second one.

    An ace: what a tennis pro gains
    When a point on one serve he attains.
    Or he might be an ace
    As in “King of Airspace”
    If he shoots down five enemy planes.

    So here is my dotty little ditty, a ten minute trick, masquerading as a limerick: –

    The Marut was quite a real pilot’s plane
    But many thought to fly it quite insane
    It could fly very low and very very fast
    Pakis on ground who got many a big blast
    Moaned, the Divine Wind was life’s bane.

    This mail was instigated by reading some jokes on the Blog. The same set had been been sent to me by a number of my ‘kind’ friends rather a long time ago. In fairness, I should reply in the same vein: –

    The newly qualified lady ATC Officer needed the runway cleared in a hurry. She asked the lined up fighter pilot,”How about a quickie?” Prompt came the reply. “Of course dear, I simply love quickies, but first I have to complete this damned mission”.

    With best wishes,
    Kapil Bhargava

  3. vk Murthy says:

    I like it.
    Keep going on every week end. !!!!

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